Back To Work or a New Balance Sheet

 

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Well, the freedom offered by maternity leave is over. I am officially back to work since Tuesday. A new balance sheet added to my life  – work-life balance. The hardest one to keep in check, if you consider the evidence provided by numerous websites offering to help.

 

First day was slow yet enjoyable. It was doing something different and being able to do things without stopping every few minutes to see what Little F is up to or to be led by him in pointless circles. Return home wasn’t as triumphant as I though. It seems Little F took the situation in his stride. He was happy to see me and gave me a smile, but did not perform the wobbly run I envisaged in my head. He was not clinging to me all evening.

 

Looking inside at my feelings I don’t feel bad that he does not miss me as much as I thought he would. It’s a good sign of independence I guess. And he’s staying with his dad, so a familiar person. Maybe I also don’t feel bad because I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would. I would feel guilty if he missed me more than I missed him…

 

I thought I would be looking at my phone every few minutes to see his smile on pictures and films. I don’t feel like doing it at all. I will get a frame though with a nice picture of Little F with daddy (the only problem is, there are too many to choose from!).

 

I am sure all my feelings will change once the daily routine sets in and I will wish myself to be back home with my toddler. At least it’s not sunny so I don’t feel like I am missing out on playground fun locked up in my underground office.

 

The question I am asking myself is: will Little F’s feeling change? Will he start missing me more after a while? He used to cry when I left the room…

 

I am glad I don’t have a super clingy child when I return home. It would make doing anything completely impossible. And reduce my life to work and child time, oh, and hubby time. No me time…

 

So here is the balance now:

On the plus side:  I get to read, eat on my own, have time to write (not in the full swing yet at the job)

One the downside: Funny – other than journey on the bus I can’t think of the down side…

 

This realisation makes my head ring: mummy guilt, mummy guilt, mummy guilt….

 

Photo credit: Seattle Municipal Archives / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)