Sometimes…

I wasn’t sure if I want to publish this post. It’s not in keeping with my blog. A blog about a happy family practicing gentle, natural parenting. But it is true, so it has a place in here.

There are days, well periods in a day, when I feel like my children are my tormentors. I am drained and sleep deprived and they make me exert so much energy. Little S wakes at night (she’s only 3 months) and Big F no longer has a daytime nap. There are days I wake up feeling more tired then when I went to bed and wish it was bedtime already.

Sometimes when I hear Little S cry out that she is awake my heart sinks. Now Big F will start to play up and demand even more of my energy. I will also have to divide my attention between the two of them. And do everything with a baby in my powerless arms. Sometimes all it takes to dispel these thoughts and feelings is Little S’s smile, but it doesn’t always work. I feel like the lack of sleep is really affecting how I bond with my little girl, and it makes me feel awful that I can’t be as attentive and loving with her, as I was with Big F.

I have tears in my eyes while I’m writing this. Tears of disappointment at being a bad mother, tears of tiredness, tears of mummy guilt, tears of feeling sorry for myself. I know this will pass, as soon as Little S sleeps better at night. I know it’s not really me. It’s sleep deprivation, but I still feel guilty…

I love my kids more than anything. They bring out the best in me, but they also bring out the worst in me….

 

PS. A week after writing this post Big F started having a post-nursery nap (and me with him!), which brought back the energy and the smiles for all of us 🙂

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